Itchy Travel Guide to International Relations
‘Artistic gymnastics’, ‘Curling’, ‘Cross Country’ and ‘Volleyball’ have all got European Championships coming up in the dwindling summer of 2009. However, we’ve got a short attention span at Itchy and somehow these competitions don’t quite catch the imagination. We propose a new competition; The European Championships of Alternative sports and eccentric traditions, an epic encounter in which the nations of Europe take each other on at their respectively peculiar pursuits. Picture the salacious pranksters of Spain and the Ukraine oil wrestling in Turkey, or Turkish wrestlers tumbling down a hill in Gloucestershire, or even the goose chokers and fish drinkers of the Basque and Belgium playing five-a-side on craggy Island. That’s entertainment!
- Spanish Baby Jumping, Castrillo de Murcia, Spain.
Spanish men dressed as devils race through the town being devious, locals adorn their doorsteps with ‘alters’ of wine for a parade of kids and clergymen. The Christian Celebration Corpus Christi sounds fun in de Murcia doesn’t it? But if you’re unlucky enough to be born as a baby-yokle in this small Spanish town it is highly likely that come June you will be used as a too-short sand pit for the local Lucifer long jump. Of course the local men jumping the babies stop short, or rather, jump long of the babies lying beneath them. The tradition is actually intended to be beneficial to the babies. This sport; the climax of the El Colacho festival and the Corpus Christi celebrations apparently cleanses the babies of all evil.
- The Father Ted Five-A-Side Football Tournament, Inishmore Island, Ireland.
We acknowledge that the anarchy in Father Ted is fictional but the anarchy on the infamous Craggy Island, sorry, Inishmore Island, is very real. Ted Fest 4 is happening in February 2010, and if this year’s festivities are anything to go by it should be one hell of a treat. Perhaps the most lucid indicator of Father Ted’s appeal as a comedy classic are the wild-card entrants into last this year’s Craggy Island World Cup; the real life Sicilian five-a-side team. Let’s not read into the meaning of this festival and its relationship with Irish identity; it’s not about re-creating or preserving Father Ted’s legacy, it’s just an all out party ignited by a compulsory consumption of Guinness and the strangely liberating effect of ecclesiastical fancy dress. One thing’s for sure, no other television show in Europe is celebrated in a similar way.
The next ones in February.
See you there?
http://www.tedfest.org/TedFest4.0.php?Action=Tedfest4.0
- Penis Pranks, Tyrnavos, Greece.
For the Greek tourist board ignoring this event is just not an option. Promoting it however is a delicate thing. The ‘ "bourani people" [of Tyrnavos] do a lot of teasing with phallic symbols’, says visitgreece.gr. ‘Teasing’ here, is a bit of a vague phrase, a worthy bit of spin from our Mediterranean cousins. Unofficial descriptions of the goings-on in Tyrnavos are more helpful, the general consensus of people experiencing the ‘teasing’ is that they have in fact been involved in a prank. The annual phallus festival of Tyrnavos or ‘Clean Monday’ marks Lent, the beginning of the fasting period before Easter and is also a nod to one of the most famous Greeks of all time; Dionysus, every stuck-up students’ excuse for a nasty night out. We at Itchy are up for a laugh and are not afraid of being dangled over a cauldron of boiling bourani soup, while sucking a potent local beverage from the tip of a ceramic penis. This ritual seems to be the ‘teasing’ that the Greek tourist board alludes to. However, if you are of a sensitive condition we advise you to rub ash on your cheeks before you turn up to laugh at others undergo this ordeal, the ash indicates – you’ve been done.
- Horse-charging and barrel-bashing, Arnoldstein, Austria.
At Itchy we’re always trying to give you the genuine article, no bullshit. If we were lucky enough to have experienced all of Europe’s eccentricities, we wouldn’t be writing a crummy article on them. No, we’d be giving you pictures, video; the works. The annual Kirchtag festival in the market town of Arnoldstein Austria is something we’ve been lucky enough to behold ourselves however, and the sheer concentration of Austria’s culture in this event is enough to shoehorn it into our list. Austria has a chequered past to say the least, baulked by Italy looking up from below and Germany looming over from above it was a melting-pot for fascism in the twentieth century. Even now, the war memorials and the obvious lack of ethnic diversity are a stark reminder of this country’s previous problems. Don’t mention the war at Kirchtag though because Kirchtag is all about national pride; big sausages, beer, lederhosen, and the town’s finest young men charging through the crowds on horseback towards a barrel, which, many beers later, they eventually destroy.
- Nazi clowning and cross-dressing, Ukraine.
The day that WWII is forgotten will be the day of a truly postmodern despair. In the Ukraine its most imposing figureheads are remembered by local people as part of the Malanka festival which officially commemorates the feast day of St. Melina. Malanka falls on January 13th, New Years Eve according to the Julian calendar, and is treated as a final celebration before the sober period of Lent. Given its position as the last hurrah of a decadent season it can be assumed that the prevalence of SS impersonators represents a passing of time; a purging of evil and an entree of future prosperity. Nazi impressionists are accompanied by more traditional stereotypes of wickedness; goblins, witches, devils, bears and the infamous Malanka herself, a ‘prankster at heart’ according to Ukraine.com. The festival begins under the cover of darkness and culminates in feasting on New Year’s Day. Malanka is the main focal point of the utter madness that takes place; usually played by the village’s most desirable young male she leads a train of costumed trouble-makers from house to house, hoping to ensnare a beautiful young lady, seemingly by annoying her. The pursuits of the Malanka verge on the lecherous, threatening, and harmful so if you want a Sid and Nancy type relationship, go to Ukraine, you might get laid.
- Turkish Oil Wrestling, Edirne, Turkey.
The Turks are passionate people, have you ever seen your local kebab man have an argument with his son? It’s a sight to behold. Not only are they passionate but they are equally sweaty, greasy, and often, hairy; the brutish cousin of the increasingly metrosexual Italian man. Given this you’d expect the 650 year old oil wrestling festival Kirkpinar to be quite a competition, and it is. Legend has it that, in 1347 Ottoman Sultan was travelling through Turkey with 40 of his finest warriors when two brothers Selim and Ali, started wrestling for fun. They were so evenly matched that their bout lasted long into the night, until they died of exhaustion. Buried by their compatriots, their grave lay for a year until it was revisited by Ottoman and his men. On arrival the men discovered that forty springs had bubbled from the grave adding a mythical edge to this slippery tale. The annual oil-wrestling competition has happened ever since and it has lost none of its legendary edge; tens of thousands of people turn out every year for the highlight of the national sporting calendar. Think you can beat the Turk’s at their own game? Try going down to a local kebab house, insulting the food, and challenging them to a fight. If they come outside wearing some pants made of buffalo hide and covered in oil; there’s only going to be one winner, trust us.
- Goose Decapitation Time Trial, Lekeitio, Basque Country, Spain.
From greasy guts to greasy geese; the Spanish don’t mind a challenge, like the Turks they’re a competitive bunch. However, the skills required to succeed at this bizarre sport differ entirely to the skills required to triumph at Kirkpinar. The contestants in Lekeitio’s annual Goose decapitation competition, I’m sure, would argue that their ridiculous sport is harder than the slippery wrestling of their Turkish compatriots. ‘They get the pants to hold on to!’ - would be the point of a proud Basque country goose hanging champion. The ancient past time on ‘The Day of The Goose’ sees a young man jump for a dangling goose neck, greased up to give the competition an extra med edge, and then hold on for dear life as the rope is tightened and loosened; propelling the brave strangler and his goose high above the water of the marina. Apparently the best tactic is to twist the gooses head off as quickly as possible before you fall off, which seems brutally obvious. The winner of this routine is the man who removes the gooses head fastest. Don’t worry animal lovers, nowadays the goose is killed before the comp takes place. Surely that makes it ok?
- The Wife Carrying Championships, Sonkajärvi, Finland.
Have you got a big WAG? If your other half is a big lady or one of a reasonable size for carrying take a wrong turn on your European travels and end up in the small Finnish town of Sonkajärvi; you might win her weight in beer. Obviously your wife needs to be a tolerant lady; if you really want to succeed she will have to absorb a lot of bumps as you navigate the purpose built course with sand, water, asphalt and log stages. Finland doesn’t have the most illustrious history of the European states, it takes the Eurovision song contest pretty seriously, and like its ridiculous musical cousin the wife carrying championships is a relatively new event, twenty years old in fact. It’s as simple as it sounds, you go as fast as you can, she holds on for dear life and hopefully you win; sadly it won’t be easy, you’ll be competing against couples from Germany, Sweden, the United States, Australia, China, Kenya and Israel. I bet the Germans are good.
- Fish Drinking, Geraardsbergen, Belgium.
We’re a bit classy at Itchy, or at least, we like to think we are. We know that it’s a general rule that light wines go with light food and heavy foods with heavy wine, a fillet of sole goes nicely with a Sauvignon Blanc and a juicy steak suits a fruity Zinfandel. Animal rights activists are slowly trying to terminate Geraardsbergen Krakelingen festival because they’re not too happy with the fish-swallowing locals, who treat themselves to a slippery treat on the final Sunday of February each year. Itchy sees the real problem here however; the locals are swallowing the inch long grondeling fish with red wine; clearly the two don’t go together.
- Cheese Chasing, Coopers Hill, Gloucestershire, England.
We just couldn’t leave it out, an absolute classic. While other Europeans are teasing each other with ceramic penises, jumping over babies, choking geese and swallowing fish we like to pit ourselves against a mighty hill. However, as feeble as this tradition may seem on paper it must be held in reverence. We challenge the Greek oil wrestlers to battle, on our own terms of course, because as they say; the bigger they are the harder they fall. Fifty-eight people were injured in this year’s cheese chase, the largest amount ever. So, perhaps the most dangerous of Europe’s eccentric pursuits is held in Britain, where thousands of people from across the world gather to enjoy the day. Roll on May 2010 and bring it on Europe, we’re the stupidest, come and hurt yourselves.
